How Not to Be Supportive
when your friends get healthy
Warning! Long post ahead…
I could just as easily title this article as “How To Be Supportive” and highlight the same issues. But that wouldn’t grab your attention. Also, we all pretty much know how to be supportive, in a general sense of the term. But for people who struggle with commitment and accountability, it’s not necessarily about being supportive – it’s making sure you’re not inadvertently being unsupportive.
DON’T GIVE THEM AN EXCUSE TO STOP
Everyone has their own goals and their reasons for wanting to be healthier, even if it may not seem obvious to you. I’d like to believe there’s enough information out there for all of us to now understand that thin/skinny doesn’t equate to “healthy.” So you should not tell someone they don’t need to worry about their diet or size. Just be supportive, feed their drive and praise them for being committed.
While it’s always nice for someone tell you that you’re beautiful the way you are, it shouldn’t be the main point of the conversation. Couple it with words of encouragement and share how you respect that they wish to live a healthier life regardless of how beautiful they are. Don’t contribute to complacency.
DON’T ENCOURAGE THEM TO CHEAT
Attention Single Persons: If you are trying to date a female (also applicable to men) who is serious about health and wellness and tells you that they want to be committed to clean eating – DON’T keep suggesting cheat meals! And I mean straight up suggesting a cheat meal. It’s one thing to take your date to a restaurant where there are a multitude of options and she can decide for herself what she ultimately wants. But you should never suggest anything that implies that they shouldn’t adhere to their own standards of wellness. This can pretty much sum up the word “unsupportive.”
DON’T ASSUME THEY’RE DEVELOPING A DISORDER
This is tricky. While I don’t feel this is common, I still believe it’s relevant. For the person who is working to better themselves, it can sometimes be difficult to learn to be OK with yourself at a certain point. But you should still try to trust their process and truly recognize if there is a problem or not, before acting on the assumption that there is simply because they lost some weight or they choose healthier food options.
I’ve struggled with weight my entire life, and most of my life I was in the “obese” category. I always knew deep down, I was almost scared of the thought of losing all the weight. I was afraid of a few things: 1 – not being happy as a thin person (skinny also doesn’t equate to happy) and 2 – not being able to see myself clearly. Almost like having fat goggles, and something that can attribute to eating and dieting disorders.
After losing 85 pounds, it’s extremely easy for me to see how people can lose so much weight and still not be satisfied. One day, after being at my lowest point at that time, I made a comment about my plans to continue losing weight. My dad clenched his face in a look of disapproval and asked how much more weight I wanted to lose. The “chart” weight for my height was 135, and at the time, I weight about 175. So I said between 30 and 40 more pounds. He rolled his eyes and shook his head and muttered a comment about me losing too much weight.
It really brought me down, then made me angry. I tried to explain to him I wasn’t interested in being “skinny.” I wanted to be healthy and closer to my ideal weight to be more fit and active. It hurt me that he would so suddenly flip from being supportive and proud to assuming I had a problem, or maybe an exercise addiction. Although I understand how easy it could potentially be for some to develop a problem, I also feel that I’m reasonable enough to assess my own situation.
When you degrade someone’s ability to think rationally, you stunt their progress. It’s also confusing, because it punishes them for doing something they have been praised for. It’s also hurtful, because you take away your support.
DON’T MAKE THEM FEEL BAD FOR BEING BETTER
When a person becomes truly serious about their health and learns how to stick with it, it can change their life. It changes their habits, commitments and priorities. It helps things fall into place in all aspects of their life. It also helps them weed out negative influences, and just generally rid themselves of anything that isn’t a positive contribution to their overall wellbeing.
Personally, it gave me a sense of empowerment to finally see what and who in my life wasn’t beneficial, and I began to cut people out. I started my journey to better myself. Emotional and mental health is just as important as physical health.
Don’t negatively judge your friend or family member for wanting to do better, just because their priorities have changed and maybe they don’t want to do the same things that you were always used to. Or maybe they are more inclined to do things you wouldn’t do. It should always be about love and respect. If there is unhappiness about that person living their life in a more positive way, it may be time to assess why you feel that way.
